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Why Does Family Planning Fall Squarely On The Female's Shoulders?
For as long as I can remember, the responsibility of childbearing, preventing or aborting a pregnancy has fallen squarely only on the female body! As in, from the beginning of humanity, since males and females began walking this earth, the female body has been ‘blessed’ with the role of choice: to bring or not bring another life into this world. That’s how we are created and that’s how it’s always going to be.
As a mom, I can confidently say that being pregnant and birthing two humans has, hands up, been the best experience of my life! While I am not complaining about my contribution to the human population, after several discussions with many women, I couldn’t help but notice a trend which is why I ask the question in the title of this post.
From a tender age, the female body undergoes tremendous hormonal changes and it will remain so for almost the rest of her life. Have you considered this too? If not, let's break it down together:
- As soon as a girl (often times around the age of 11 – 16) starts her monthly menstrual period, the idea of contraceptives—primarily birth control pills—is usually considered. As a female who once dallied with contraceptives and experienced unpleasant (and this is putting it mildly) side effects such as mood swings, depressive symptoms, significant weight gain, I can’t imagine these side effects on a young female’s body. Yet, society readily accepts exposing young females to these artificial hormones. Why? If we really explore the reasons, we find out that birth control pills are given primarily to prevent pregnancy should a young girl become sexually active. Interestingly, her counterpart (after all, it takes two to tango, right?)—the boy with whom she becomes sexually active—has slim to zero responsibility (besides considering the use of a condom) in ensuring their safety from unwanted pregnancy. It has, somehow become a norm in our society to intuitively place such enormous responsibility on a young female’s body. It seems that we are somehow telling her body that it is faulty for having the potential to give life even from a young age. And so, we collectively—as a society—create something (contraceptives) with potentially harmful effects and smile as we give them to our young female bodies.
- Today, you will hardly find a young adult female without some form of contraceptive. And I’m talking about something hormonal, something artificial added to her body on a daily or monthly basis. Whether it’s the typical birth control pills, IUDs, vaginal rings, injections, patches, etc., these artificial hormones are almost part of a woman daily existence in addition to the natural hormones raging through her body. On the other side of the spectrum, hardly would you find a young adult male with ANY form of contraception beyond condoms—latex covering to wear just before a sexual act and toss right after the act is done. That’s it! There are no side effects, no hormonal changes to his body, nothing! Zilch! Nada! Zero! What are we teaching our young girls?
- During my pregnancies, I realized that my body was essentially regulating hormones for approximately 40 weeks! So in addition to amazingly incubating another life, I had to experience and pay close attention to my body’s daily response to the influx of hormones, all the while navigating other aspects of life. After I discovered my first pregnancy, I was so elated and relieved to not have a monthly period for the next nine months but of course not having a monthly period was replaced by the conundrum of pregnancy. And that was quickly replaced sheer joy once the baby arrived. But of course, once the baby arrives, you soon realize there are a whole lot of new experiences. Take for example breastfeeding. No one can fully understand every woman’s unique experience with breastfeeding. While science tries to explain the general process but I think breastfeeding is so personalized that every woman has her own unique encounter. Generally, breastfeeding is a boatload of hormones regulation to ensure this new life you’ve incubated gets the best nutrition. This process creates enormous physiological changes in the female’s body that is not regularly acknowledged in the society today. I’m going to pause right now and shout this out: FOR EVERY WOMAN WHO HAS BIRTH A CHILD, WHETHER YOU BREASTFED OR NOT, I SALUTE YOU RIGHT NOW!
- Funny (or not funny), when we returned to the doctor for my six weeks postpartum checkup, my doctor intuitively asked ONLY ME if I was considering contraceptives since we were not ready for another baby! If I received a dollar from every woman that shares this experience, I think I’d have perhaps two mansions in Potomac, Maryland. Alas! Between having multiple children, consider the enormous cycle of hormone regulation the female body endures. Yet, this body is called upon to carry the burden day in, day out while her spouse/partner practically lives unchanged—hormonally at least.
- The three popular forms of contraception for men: Condoms, withdrawal method or Vasectomy. Both have zero hormonal effects on the male body! While condoms are used just before intercourse, vasectomy is a permanent procedure that greatly reduces the chance of pregnancy. Recently, the Mayo Clinic conducted a study and concluded that approximately 10% of men in their reproductive years get a vasectomy. This means that of those other 90% of men, those who are heterosexual—have a female sex partner—are depending on condoms or withdrawal to prevent pregnancy. We know how that goes!
- Most men—African men especially, tenaciously—frown upon the idea of vasectomy while women are more likely encouraged to get tubal ligation or hysterectomy even after enduring years of hormonal changes. Why is this?
Personally, I have a difficult time accepting the use of contraceptives in young girls. Let’s be honest, 95% of the time, the justification for such is simply to prevent pregnancy. I find it troubling that we lay such huge responsibility on our young girls while their counterparts gallivant with slim to zero consequences. But more troubling is the societal acceptance that family planning (preventing unwanted pregnancies) fall squarely—okay mostly squarely—on the woman’s shoulders.
What’s your take on this topic?
Shalom.
Isn’t it interesting that when you conduct a google search for list of women who struggled with depression or mental illness in the Bible, the list usually consists of men and perhaps one or two women at most. Some might argue it’s because the Bible was mostly patriarchal; however, pages of Scripture are littered with stories of women…strong women who at one point in their lives endured the strains of a mental illness, whether short or long-lived. Mental Health is such a vital aspect of humanity. What makes us human isn’t merely our physical health and spiritual health. Without our mental health, we are incomplete. So it baffles me that we rarely speak about this aspect of our lives. What’s even more shocking is the stigma we (humans) place on those who struggle with an ill-health in the mental aspect of their humanity. Why is that? As I’ve always asked, if someone is diagnosed with cancer or diabetes, or high blood pressure or tooth cavity, or congestive heart failure, or found in spiritual ill-health such as lying, stealing, fornication, adultery, etc., do we automatically stigmatize those with these types of illnesses? Or do we empathize with and encourage them to seek appropriate treatment? I think most of us fall into the latter category. In the same token, those struggling with mental ill-health deserve such empathy rather than stigmatization. While the Bible describes many individuals dealing with all manners of mental illness, I want to share a few women and their plights: From the first few pages of the Bible, we read about the first family, their dysfunctions and shortcomings. Eve certainly must have endured Major Depression when her first son murdered her second son in cold blood. Then to watch that same first son being cursed and made a wanderer on earth (essentially becoming homeless, aimless and hopeless)! Many of us may not consider what Eve must have endured and though the Bible does not explicitly explain this either, we get a glimpse from the meaning of the name of another son she birthed: Seth means, “God has granted another son in place of Abel, whom Cain killed.” What a trauma! (Genesis chapter 4). We don’t know Noah’s wife’s name but we are familiar with the experience their family endured—worldwide, colossal wipeout! Imagine being the wife of a man that received the task to build a world class ark/ship/boat/yacht/submarine or whatever you want to call it! Once again, I can only imagine. (Genesis chapter 6, 7,8,9) Barrenness drove Sarai, Rachel and Hannah to pull extreme stunts. Sarai going as far as upgrading her servant’s status to co-wife and imagine what happened when the said servant became pregnant by her husband, the same man she’d been having sex with for decades without success! (Genesis 16). Similarly, Hannah watched her husband impregnant her co-wife over and again while she (the most loved) remained infertile. Bible records in 1 Samuel 1: 10 that “Hannah was in deep anguish, crying bitterly as she prayed to the Lord.” The impact of such trauma in Hannah’s life was evident by priest Eli’s accusation ( 1 Samuel 1: 14). How can I conclude this writeup without the mention of Mary, the mother of Jesus! The horror to watch your son suspended in the air by several inches of nails in his hands and feet! Yes, she knew He was the Savior, she knew He was special, unlike the rest of her children. Still, no mother is ever prepared for such event! Again, the Bible does not discuss her mental state during and after these dark moments in the history of the world but we can only imagine that Mary stayed in bed most of those three days after Jesus had died, crying until tears dried from her eyes. The emotional toll it must have taken even long after Jesus ascended to heaven. Ever ponder about that? Amazingly, the stories of these women did not end in sorry or depression or sadness. That’s the beauty; knowing that God loves us and sees whatever we are going through. That’s why Bible verses such as Romans 8:28 and Jeremiah 29:11 have a special hold on my heart. Each woman identified in this article laughed in the end: Eve gave birth to so more sons and daughters. Noah’s wife and her family survived the colossal wipeout and set their feet, once again, on dry earth! Sarai (later called Sarah) gave birth to her own child, a son for her husband! Rachel whom Jacob loved very much gave birth to two children as well! Hannah of course gave birth to Samuel, a son better than ten sons! Mary, the mother of our Lord Jesus also had other sons and forever known as The Mother of our Savior! Are you a woman reading this piece and wondering why you’re going through whatever it is you’re going through, let me encourage you with this: I am on this same ship with you. You might be in the deeper end of the struggle just as I once was, and I’ll be honest, it was really dark and scary. You feel alone, lost, anxious with no ability to pray. Remember how Hannah was described? In deep anguish, crying bitterly as she prayed onto the Lord; yet literally, no words proceeded from her lips. Here’s my step by step guide to come out of that deep end: If in a crisis, Text “NAMI” to 741741 Call/Text: (202) 304-8793 or Email: olatundebola2017@yahoo.com Schedule an appointment with your primary care doctor Request for PHQ9 assessment Request at least two weeks or few days wellness time-off from work Call National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI) https://www.nami.org/About-Mental-Illness/Mental-Health-Conditions/Depression or 1-800- 950 - NAMI (6264) Find a Support Person or Group to confidentially speak about the situation. Pray: simply dialogue with God. The only formula for praying is the Lord’s Prayer and its as simple as talking to a friend. There’s no need for perfection during this dialogue. Shalom
Motherhood isn’t just a role, it’s a destiny that starts the moment your heart, without warning, connects with another heart—usually a tiny beating heart that flutters in your stomach. For mothers who begin this destiny in-utero, your heart sings a different tune towards this unknown being slowing invading your internals. For most, it’s a happy tune, an indescribable happiness mixed with mild anxiety over the safety of this invader. Day after day, week and after week, you begin to realize that it’s your destiny to provide a safe haven for this foreigner until its arrival into this cruel world. For mothers who begin this destiny ex-utero, you’re equally preparing for a role unlike any other. Your heart sings differently than ever before, a mixture of happiness and anxiety over acceptance, connection and so much more. There’s a constant silent question in the back of every mother’s head: do I have what it takes to raise this individual? This isn’t a question of financial competencies, though that too is important. This question is at the very core, a question of fulfilling her destiny of Motherhood.
By design, the human body has limitations, even if at its healthiest. For example, we can only bend our arms so far before snapping the bones into two. Or the fact that the muscles of the feet are designed to grow tired after long hours of walk/running or general activities. These aren’t necessarily negative limitations; they simply the body’s way of protecting itself from breaking down to beyond repair.
“Then He said to the woman, ‘I will sharpen the pain of your pregnancy, and in pain you will give birth. And you will desire to control your husband, but he will rule over you.” (Genesis 3:16 NLT)
Have you ever experienced orgasm?
Genesis 2: 16-17 ; Genesis 3: 1-24