Blog Layout

The Real Talk

Can we even talk about this in church?

She sat in the corner of her dark closet and quietly sobbed at the realization that her life was headed in a direction she'd not anticipated. Her sex life, that is! About a decade ago, she walked down the aisle with a smile so wide, guests called her “ray of sunshine", “the most beautiful bride”, and “the jewel of the day”! Even as she glided across the dance floor in the arms of her prince charming, she was sure they would live happily ever after, making love from sunrise to sunset, surrounded by rose petals on a 1000 count Egyptian cotton bed-sheets—boy was she wrong!

Sure the first couple of years were great, hubby catching her by surprise with whispers of sweet nothings, making the hair on the back of her neck stand in arousal. They explored their bodies for moments unending, basking in the pleasures of love as recorded in the Bible. Honestly, she could relate with the bride in Songs of Solomon 1:2 who said, “Let him kiss me with the kisses of his mouth! For your love is better than wine…He is mine and I am his”.  This woman and her lover played around the house, sometimes naked, sometimes clothed, but all the time frolicking in the ambiance of love.

She couldn’t say when things started to change but retrospectively, she concluded it was gradual. First, they grew from a family of just the two of them to six! The children invaded their bedroom at night under the guise of nightmare/scary dreams/monster under the bed. Then extended family members’ visit turned to long term residency. Then there was body dysmorphic disorder—the constant obsession about her flabby stomach, her flat nose,  the sagging breasts, flabby arms, big lips. Not long after, low self-esteem sipped in. 

All these life issues piled up, leaving this woman and her spouse too exhausted to make attempts at addressing their failing sex life. She thought she was alone in the rot of a sexless marriage; going through the motions, nott knowing who to speak with. She went about raising her children, working on work projects, singing hallelujah in church until she confided in her aunt and was surprised at her aunt's response. “There are seasons of highs and lows in marriage,” her aunt said. “What do you mean?” she asked, seating up in her chair, eager to hear her aunt’s story. “Darling, marriage truly is for better for worse because there was a season, my husband and I were not sexually active because of his diabetes. It affected his ability to perform between the sheets until I insisted that he gets medical help,” the aunt said. 

She was struck by her aunt’s confession and humbled by her vulnerability to share such intimate issue. “Auntie, but you and uncle are usually very affectionate with each other. I see how uncle looks at you and I admire that about your marriage.” Her aunt smiled, encouraged her through prayer and shared helpful tips to keep the intimacy alive in her relationship. Without a doubt, intimacy (sex) is one of the important ingredients in a successful marriage. But when it is lacking or struggling to survive, what can be done? How can a couple rekindle the fire of intimacy and enjoy the “garden of love” as described in Songs of Solomon?

Here are a few tips gleaned from older couples and marriage counselors:
• Communication: sex is such a sensitive topic; it's important to communicate concerns with thoughtfulness. Rather than say "you're not satisfying me..." say, "I don't feel satisfied when we don't engage in extensive foreplay..."

• Seek Godly Counseling: lack of intimacy/sex can be an indication of a deeper issue in the marriage (mental health plays a big role in intimacy)

• Address health-related issues: Seek medical attention from specialists such as gynecologist, urologists, diabetes specialists, mental counselor, etc.

• Give Role Playing a try (What about introducing sex-apparatus?)
The jury is still out on the last tip. People feel differently about introducing sex apparatus in their marriage, Christians especially. The idea of introducing apparatus irks some Christians and some condemn it as sin. Yet, many suffer silently in sexless marriages. I am not advocating for or against sex-toys primarily because the Bible does not explicitly say “Thou shalt or shalt not use sex toys”. I’d like to hear readers’ thought on this. “To Toy”, or “Not To Toy”? How does Hebrews 13:4: "Marriage should be honored by all and the marriage bed kept pure, for God will judge the adulterer and all the sexually immoral" fits into the whole equation of sex apparatus in marriage? God designed sex and intimacy in marriage to bring glory, praise and pleasure to Him. He is as interested in your love life as He is in your spiritual growth. “And God saw all that He had made [including intimacy between a man and his wife], and it was very good” Genesis 1:31. 

Lastly, I want to share some benefits of sex:

• Burns calories: upwards of 100 calories/hour, depending on your level of activity

• Having an orgasm releases oxytocin, the “cuddle/love hormone” that promotes bonding with your partner.

• Releases endorphins, the hormone that activates pleasure center in the brain, helps you relax and starve off depression

• Improves your sense of well-being and satisfaction in your relationship

Love is beautiful, intimacy is important, and sex is a substantial ingredient required to help a marriage blossom into an enjoyable, mouth-watering, thirst-quenching, and satisfactory journey!

Shalom
By Latunde Bolarinwa 24 Jun, 2021
Isn’t it interesting that when you conduct a google search for list of women who struggled with depression or mental illness in the Bible, the list usually consists of men and perhaps one or two women at most. Some might argue it’s because the Bible was mostly patriarchal; however, pages of Scripture are littered with stories of women…strong women who at one point in their lives endured the strains of a mental illness, whether short or long-lived. Mental Health is such a vital aspect of humanity. What makes us human isn’t merely our physical health and spiritual health. Without our mental health, we are incomplete. So it baffles me that we rarely speak about this aspect of our lives. What’s even more shocking is the stigma we (humans) place on those who struggle with an ill-health in the mental aspect of their humanity. Why is that? As I’ve always asked, if someone is diagnosed with cancer or diabetes, or high blood pressure or tooth cavity, or congestive heart failure, or found in spiritual ill-health such as lying, stealing, fornication, adultery, etc., do we automatically stigmatize those with these types of illnesses? Or do we empathize with and encourage them to seek appropriate treatment? I think most of us fall into the latter category. In the same token, those struggling with mental ill-health deserve such empathy rather than stigmatization. While the Bible describes many individuals dealing with all manners of mental illness, I want to share a few women and their plights: From the first few pages of the Bible, we read about the first family, their dysfunctions and shortcomings. Eve certainly must have endured Major Depression when her first son murdered her second son in cold blood. Then to watch that same first son being cursed and made a wanderer on earth (essentially becoming homeless, aimless and hopeless)! Many of us may not consider what Eve must have endured and though the Bible does not explicitly explain this either, we get a glimpse from the meaning of the name of another son she birthed: Seth means, “God has granted another son in place of Abel, whom Cain killed.” What a trauma! (Genesis chapter 4). We don’t know Noah’s wife’s name but we are familiar with the experience their family endured—worldwide, colossal wipeout! Imagine being the wife of a man that received the task to build a world class ark/ship/boat/yacht/submarine or whatever you want to call it! Once again, I can only imagine. (Genesis chapter 6, 7,8,9) Barrenness drove Sarai, Rachel and Hannah to pull extreme stunts. Sarai going as far as upgrading her servant’s status to co-wife and imagine what happened when the said servant became pregnant by her husband, the same man she’d been having sex with for decades without success! (Genesis 16). Similarly, Hannah watched her husband impregnant her co-wife over and again while she (the most loved) remained infertile. Bible records in 1 Samuel 1: 10 that “Hannah was in deep anguish, crying bitterly as she prayed to the Lord.” The impact of such trauma in Hannah’s life was evident by priest Eli’s accusation ( 1 Samuel 1: 14). How can I conclude this writeup without the mention of Mary, the mother of Jesus! The horror to watch your son suspended in the air by several inches of nails in his hands and feet! Yes, she knew He was the Savior, she knew He was special, unlike the rest of her children. Still, no mother is ever prepared for such event! Again, the Bible does not discuss her mental state during and after these dark moments in the history of the world but we can only imagine that Mary stayed in bed most of those three days after Jesus had died, crying until tears dried from her eyes. The emotional toll it must have taken even long after Jesus ascended to heaven. Ever ponder about that? Amazingly, the stories of these women did not end in sorry or depression or sadness. That’s the beauty; knowing that God loves us and sees whatever we are going through. That’s why Bible verses such as Romans 8:28 and Jeremiah 29:11 have a special hold on my heart. Each woman identified in this article laughed in the end: Eve gave birth to so more sons and daughters. Noah’s wife and her family survived the colossal wipeout and set their feet, once again, on dry earth! Sarai (later called Sarah) gave birth to her own child, a son for her husband! Rachel whom Jacob loved very much gave birth to two children as well! Hannah of course gave birth to Samuel, a son better than ten sons! Mary, the mother of our Lord Jesus also had other sons and forever known as The Mother of our Savior! Are you a woman reading this piece and wondering why you’re going through whatever it is you’re going through, let me encourage you with this: I am on this same ship with you. You might be in the deeper end of the struggle just as I once was, and I’ll be honest, it was really dark and scary. You feel alone, lost, anxious with no ability to pray. Remember how Hannah was described? In deep anguish, crying bitterly as she prayed onto the Lord; yet literally, no words proceeded from her lips. Here’s my step by step guide to come out of that deep end: If in a crisis, Text “NAMI” to 741741 Call/Text: (202) 304-8793 or Email: olatundebola2017@yahoo.com Schedule an appointment with your primary care doctor Request for PHQ9 assessment Request at least two weeks or few days wellness time-off from work Call National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI) https://www.nami.org/About-Mental-Illness/Mental-Health-Conditions/Depression or 1-800- 950 - NAMI (6264) Find a Support Person or Group to confidentially speak about the situation. Pray: simply dialogue with God. The only formula for praying is the Lord’s Prayer and its as simple as talking to a friend. There’s no need for perfection during this dialogue. Shalom
By Latunde Bolarinwa 09 May, 2021
Motherhood isn’t just a role, it’s a destiny that starts the moment your heart, without warning, connects with another heart—usually a tiny beating heart that flutters in your stomach. For mothers who begin this destiny in-utero, your heart sings a different tune towards this unknown being slowing invading your internals. For most, it’s a happy tune, an indescribable happiness mixed with mild anxiety over the safety of this invader. Day after day, week and after week, you begin to realize that it’s your destiny to provide a safe haven for this foreigner until its arrival into this cruel world. For mothers who begin this destiny ex-utero, you’re equally preparing for a role unlike any other. Your heart sings differently than ever before, a mixture of happiness and anxiety over acceptance, connection and so much more. There’s a constant silent question in the back of every mother’s head: do I have what it takes to raise this individual? This isn’t a question of financial competencies, though that too is important. This question is at the very core, a question of fulfilling her destiny of Motherhood.
By Latunde Onabajo 03 May, 2021
By design, the human body has limitations, even if at its healthiest. For example, we can only bend our arms so far before snapping the bones into two. Or the fact that the muscles of the feet are designed to grow tired after long hours of walk/running or general activities. These aren’t necessarily negative limitations; they simply the body’s way of protecting itself from breaking down to beyond repair.
By Latunde Onabajo 25 Feb, 2021
“Then He said to the woman, ‘I will sharpen the pain of your pregnancy, and in pain you will give birth. And you will desire to control your husband, but he will rule over you.” (Genesis 3:16 NLT)
By Latunde Onabajo 16 Feb, 2021
Have you ever experienced orgasm?
By Latunde Onabajo 26 Jan, 2021
Genesis 2: 16-17 ; Genesis 3: 1-24
Show More
Share by: