On October 31, 2019, I went to my primary care physician (PCP) and broke down in her office. I cried like I hadn’t done in a long time. What caused the rivers of tears to flow? Stress! Feeling overwhelmed, physically tired and ready to throw in the towel! I was given the PHQ-9 assessment questionnaire which measures the severity of depression in a person. Let me tell you, I scored high and was diagnosed with an Acute Depressive Episode. I was not surprised! In fact, I recognized the symptoms ever before walking through the door of my doctor’s office. I have over nine years of professional experience as a care coordinator in a mental health nonprofit organization.
I had recognized the symptoms for a few months but a part of me thought it was better to pray and fast. A part of me thought it was better to keep pushing through life, through work, through motherhood, marriage and church membership. Sadly, I pushed through and into depression. I pushed through until I broke down and almost ended it all. I would be lying if I deny that I thought about suicide. It crossed my mind but I knew then, and know now that suicide is not the answer. It is not in God’s plan to end my life. Still, knowing God’s plan didn’t stop depression from creeping into my life.
It is interesting that as a care coordinator, my message to my beloved clients was “please talk to me or someone when you feel sad, depressed or suicidal.” My clients were free to call my phone any day, any time when they felt that way. So why did I ignore my own advice? Why didn’t I call someone and share my struggles the moment I first noticed them? Why did I allow the symptoms linger to the point that my life was significantly impacted?
I didn’t speak up earlier because I thought that I needed to hide my inadequacies. People can’t know this or that about me! I can’t be labeled as someone in a mental health crisis! This can’t be that and that can’t be this…Excuse! Excuses!! Excuses!!! To my own detriment!
As Christians, there’s a sense of “everything must be perfect in my life” whereas, God did not promise perfection on this side of eternity! In fact, in the words of Jesus our Lord: “Here on this earth, you will have many trials and sorrows, but be of good cheer because I have overcome the world!” (John 16:33). So what gives the false sense of exclusion from trials and sorrow when Jesus never promised such?
Thank God I finally spoke up. Thank God I came to my senses and remembered my advice. Thank God I called off from work, went to my doctor and got that two week sick leave certificate. I didn’t get paid for those two weeks but guess what? My health is worth significantly much more than two weeks pay (and it’s substantial ya’ll).
We make excuses to work, work and work! We tell ourselves these lies crafted from the pit of hell that we cannot take a sick day or days off because of the bills (insert whatever you need money for here). The truth is that we desire money mostly for our WANTS not our NEEDS! You think about it. Even our NEEDS, how much of it have we told ourselves we deserve and how much of it do we really need to survive? Deeply think about this.
We run around, stress and enslave ourselves to societal standards to live in the best house and drive the latest car. Sometimes, it’s the idea to work hard and save for our retirement (who’s to say living until retirement is guaranteed?) so we work and work, push and push through. Perhaps, these are my self-imposed notions that almost sent me overboard! If this is unique to me, then I’m glad I’m speaking up and reminding my future self to consider my health more important than wealth or retirement savings! If I drop dead today, of what use is my retirement savings to me? (Please note that I’m not against saving for the future, please do so responsibly).
I hope I’m not preaching just to the choir but to the whole congregation. I hope there folks reading this and thinking Yo! She’s speaking to me. If there is someone out there experiencing an overwhelming sense of pressure, stress and tiredness from the run-around of life and thinking will this ever stop? Should I just end it all? No, please don’t end it all! Yes, it can stop now. You can seek help. Reassess what’s truly important in your life. Find a confidential and competent person to speak with. God bless my PCP. After she prescribed medications and treatment, she took my hands and prayed comforting words into my life. Read again: My doctor took my hands and prayed with me! In the United States of America! (She’s taking referrals if you need her number…LOL). You may not want to visit your PCP, you may prefer speaking to your best friend or someone anonymously; just please speak out your struggles and I can assure you help is right around the corner.
It’s about time we stop chasing after the wind. It’s about time we spend everyday focused on what truly matters as the Bible intended: Living for God’s Pleasure! I don’t fully comprehend what Living for God’s pleasure entails but this much I know: It is wrapped in peace and calm for the mind and soul. This is the new journey I am determined to embark upon.
Am I “cured” of the Acute Depressive Episode? Yes.
Are there days I feel like hiding under my blanket? Absolutely yes!
Am I in a better frame of mind since taking time off work to reassess what’s truly important? A resounding Yassssssss! I am so much better that I’ve committed to a monthly personal retreat where I can refresh my soul before its Maker.
While you may not be availed to taking extended time off work or schedule a monthly personal retreat, the truth is that we human beings ALWAYS make time for what’s important to them.
Please ask yourself: What’s most important to me?
Shalom.
Do you need to talk to someone anonymously, please contact me through the lavenderme.com contact link.